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二零二四年一月三号 3 January 2024

"If you met my family, you'd prescribe xanax for all of them, but then what? We'd be boring." - Eddie Huang, Fresh off the Boat

I'm partway through yet another semester. Still not really going anywhere or doing much of anything, but it hasn't been too bad, mainly due to a new development in my life that I'm excited about: I've started medication!!!!! :D What a product. This is definitely some bubble-gum flavored awesomeness. While it doesn't sound like something worth celebrating to the average person, I'm overjoyed beyond my wildest dreams. Obviously I won't become a 'normal' person overnight but it reduces a lot of the disability symptoms that negatively interfere with my life. Part of me is bothered by this - the fact that I need medication to do simple things when most people can handle it with scarcely a protest - & part of me is bitter that it took this long to find a solution & part of me is mellowed out enough to just be happy that I've finally been helped. I feel like Drake. Look, the new me is really still the real me / I swear you gotta feel me before they try and kill me / They gotta make some choices, they runnin' out of options / 'Cause I've been going off and they don't know when it's stopping.

I guess that plays into a large part of what I want in 2024. The only thing I can reasonably imagine working towards is developing an actual life & becoming a functioning member of society. It's depressing but every conversation I've had with people my age lately has filled me with a sense of uninhibitable dread. They're where they should be in life: educated, driving, hitting the gym, spending time with friends, partying, dating, all that. I sit around at home occupying myself with menial tasks, waiting for another day that looks exactly like the others to pass. I don't have friends. I can't handle the only jobs that will currently hire me. I'm surrounded by people who want me to be normal but remain unsympathetic to all the reasons I can't be. This disability thing is weird because despite getting better at managing certain things, it's mostly gotten worse over time. Sensory issues have appeared that never bothered me before & even the ones I've always had were never as bad as they are now. A family member made plans to go out somewhere that they know I like & my first instinct was to worry over how loud it would be. It sounds dramatically emo but being disabled has genuinely made me a bitter, miserable person :/ If selling out to big pharma is the solution, count me innnnn.

Otherwise I'm just living life. Not really ready to go back to campus. I considered transferring somewhere else in my final year but their units system is so whack that I'd have to retake half my classes. I know some people at other schools who are taking everything online but my campus doesn't offer that & very few classes are all virtual………. NOT fair!!!! Back home is interesting though. The wind is so strong that I can hear it whistling at every window like a ghost in a scary halloween kids' book (I'm reminded of The Green Ribbon). In relation to the medication, again: even sitting around doing nothing is fantastic now that I'm high (NOT ACTUALLY) & happy. I open windows for natural daylight rather than turning on the lights. I'm anxious about how well things will play out when I'm on campus again given that I'm barred from doing what I want by circumstances that aren't all on me, but it's fineeee. I can survive a few more months when I have something to keep my mind from wandering into oblivion.