I made myself cry, silky-voiced bastard that I am

2023年五月十五号 15 May 2023

Community Ties by Kayla Chang. Read it.

"This was a plunge encompassing sorrow and revulsion far beyond the personal: a sick, drenching nausea at all humanity and human endeavor from the dawn of time. The writhing loathsomeness of the biological order. Old age, sickness, death. No escape for anyone."

Re-read the Goldfinch. MY GOD does it hit different this time around. Chapter 9 is a callout, an intervention, the type of shit that speakssssssssss to me. Sometimes a person appears functional when in reality they're barely hanging on by a thread. Okay.

But I'm having fun now. Summer fun. Truly Iced Tea. Becoming functional. A new celebrity interest: Early-Valentin-Strikalo-era Yuriy Kaplan (the one in purple in the above pic). He looks like Poppy in her old videos before she did the weird blonde thing? Kind of? He possesses a carefree swag I'm intensely jealous of. Just a guy being a dude & doing what works for him & managing to find success on whatever path he takes in life.

I did incredibly well this year save for one class. My weakest subject & one I was required to take & one that turns my brain to absolute mush such that I can't do the most basic-ass things when it's in the picture. Not only did I not pass the class, but somehow I entirely overlooked a huge portion of it that I was supposed to do. I asked the prof about this thinking he'd made a grading mistake, but it turns out that there were several assignments we were given throughout the semester that my dumb ass just… didn't understand we were supposed to do? The plan is to take an equivalent at a community college & transfer the credits to my current uni but given how humiliatingly awful I am at this, I'm unsure if I'll pass it in community either. My fam is mad at me (understandably so). Stress levels have risen dangerously. Trying not to beat myself up over this but it was actually for real my fault so I have the right to 😎

Summer is starting, which I am grateful for. Nearly all the bad habits & weird ass 'stims' that seemed persistent & unkillable in university have disappeared with zero effort on my part. I'm using my phone less & less & filling the time with things that are enjoyable & valuable. The nagging feeling that I'll revert right back to antisocial misery once school starts up again is definitelyyyyyyyyy hovering over me, but #whatcanyoudo! Of course I intend to try again, do better next year, but my best efforts hardly get me anywhere so if I have to wait it out for a few more years then maybe that's what'll have to happen. April & May have been exceedingly good months for me socially, in fact. I had fantastic conversations with several people & it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good for me. I was chatting it up with people in such an engaged & fun way & it just… worked. No idea how it happened. I know being disabled makes this stuff harder but I was normal enough to have a social life for most of my life & seeing myself in action like this just shows me that I was not trying hard enough 💀

Вообще, attending university to begin with feels utterly pointless for me. I despise when others doubt my credibility just because I'm kind of disabled but I don't mind being honest with myself. How will I hold down a career when I start losing my mind working the most simple jobs? I've worked shifts where I had to do next to nothing & it still felt like torture. Maybe there's a difference between doing a job because you have to when you're young & doing a job you enjoy & went to school for but IDK bro. On top of that the world & everything that's going on is stressful to think about, I guess. Quitting social media helps, but if you live in an environment with bad vibes (namely, familial tension & seemingly unending helplessness) you just can't manage very well.

update! a day later!!!! It turns out that I did pass that one class. Thank the freaking LORD. The lesson we've learned is that asking questions is IMPORTANT. If I hadn't sent that lengthy email to university administrations asking about whether I'd be able to retake this class at community, I'd never have learned that getting as close to failing as humanly possible is still a passing grade based on my major. I'll try to be more careful in the future to avoid getting this awful of a grade ever again, but I'm safe for now.

I study to learn how they tick so I can avoid the circus

2023年三月九号 9 March 2023

Fun Film Fact: In Midsommar (2019 dir. Ari Aster), when Pelle asked Dani "Do you feel held by him? Does he feel like home to you?" he wasn't talking about Christian, as the movie would have you believe - he was actually talking about Russian radio stations.

Translation of the previous paragraph, for those who are confused: I like listening to Russian radio stations because they feel comforting and home-y. I didn't listen to them much throughout life or anything but we did from time to time when a parent played it in the car. I think it's a combination of the american university life & being away from home that's doing it. There's something about big-city stations playing the same Egor Kreed song 97 times a day that feels right.

We're in the downward slopes again. I thought I was doing OK, doing better, turning normal, but :/ who's to say anymore? My theory is that trying to be 'normal' is exactly what's stopping me. People can sense when you're trying too hard - to make friends, to be liked, to be interesting, to fit in - & though I'm bad at all of these things no matter how hard I try, I'm exhibiting flop behaviour with every ounce of effort I channel into it all. This one post I saw is like, perfect encapsulation of what I mean.

You make the effort and sometimes it simply does not work. I don't want everyone to love me and think I'm perfect and clamber over the hills to be my friend, bro! I just want to know what about me throws people off in such a way that they just... don't hit me up or try to stay in contact. And in so many instances we click right away and then the relationship fizzles out over time & it's a weird place to be in because the case is usually me trying to make plans, them being too busy or agreeing & then cancelling at the last second, & this repeating a few more times before I assume they don't actually want to do anything with me & are just making up excuses. How many people were genuinely unable to hang out when I asked & weren't just trying to avoid me? I haven't a clue. All I know is, regardless of their own shit, they don't try to make alternative plans & they don't talk to me unless I talk to them first, & IDK what I'm supposed to do.

Watched Dorian Gray (2009). Big fan. The changes to the plot were insurmountable & Dorian was a brunette instead of a cherubic blonde shoujo boy, but Ben Barnes slayed so hard that it doesn't matter? Um also I learned a lot of fun facts about Oscar Wilde & if I'm honest he would sooooooooooooooooooo be a coquette whisper post instagram type of guy if he was alive today. He'd be posting tiktoks from the courtroom like So what if I fuck teenage boys behind my wife's back. it's literally normal they did it in ancient greece. He'd be all about that 'I have to be the most esoteric mysterious girlboss in this wendy's' shit you know what I meannnnn. I think I'd actually hate Oscar Wilde if he was here today though. He seems like a spoiled rich kid who only did things because he thought he could get away with them :///

You (Netflix) idea: It's an injustice that Joe Goldberg isn't autistic because he is so autistic. He's that high-functioning guy who still occasionally slips up & acts weird but has otherwse perfected the craft of seeming like a normie & is only marginally messed up by society + the internet + trauma. I do think the show & book author would come under scorching fire for ever even thinking of this, so... good thing I did instead? Maybe? IDK. But it would be nice to see a messed-up autistic Jewish boy. There aren't enough of us out there.

I've started hitting the gym!! Just small stuff, walking & ellipticals & other not-very-strenuous workouts, but it's nice. To chill & do my own thing & that thing being beneficial to me... a combo like that is rare for me but it helps.

*Hits blue raspberry vape insightfully* I think the hottest thing out of atlanta rn is bingqiubing (luo binghe x shen qingqiu x luo bingge) & mmmmmmm the heartbreak that Bingge would feel from seeing another universe where "he" (the weird different beta male version of him that is bingmei) & his beloved shizun are actually happy together & *gasp* in? love? when what he doesn't know is that it's actually kinda fake because, welllll Shen Qingqiu's body being possessed by some modern-era nerd really puts a damper on the situation, doesn't itttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. Oh & also they should all get together & have a weird relationship somehow, idk.

Anyway, I'm going home sometime soon & I'm ready but I'm not. IDK what I want anymore other than a cure for the strange-ass neurosis that plagues me & also I am telling myself again that I'm going to try doing better - small steps seemed helpful at first but then I got distracted by shit so, uhhh, let's say that I'm still trying. I haven't given up yet! I'm trying to phase out some of my bad habits & make my life easier to manage & we're going to hope it works for real this time.

A Man Is A Minecraft Chicken

25 January 2023

Happy Ultra-Late New Year!

Why Shen Yuan (SVSSS) & Kurt Kunkle (Spree) are compatible:

Would they learn & grow & heal together? Endure palpable sexual tension until it became too much to bear? Have a mini system-moderated therapy session that ends in tears? Someone get these two in a room together and see what happens, is what I'm saying.

That was an introduction so my personal BS isn't the first thing you see. With that - So, yeah, I am making a conscious effort to do #better in 2023, & I sense minor improvements happening, but it's complicated! I tried to join a sorority, made it through 3 rounds, & then got rejected. R-E, J-E, C-T-E-D Rejected! Which is Not surprising! I noticed myself not fitting in right off the bat & I can't say I'm upset, exactly, but I am slightly annoyed. $30 & three days of small talk with hyper-normies & it all led nowhere. A recap for context, on the off chance that anyone is reading this: I am mildly mentally disabled (yes, for real!!) in a way that affects my social skills & ability to communicate, which is why I talk about socialising in a Weird Way. & honestly, as a disabled shawty, I'm veryyyy on & off about putting myself out there. Not proud to say it but I do isolate & keep to myself a lot because it's ridiculous how hard it is for me to socialise (at least nowadays - I was a socially awkward but otherwise passably normal kid once!), BUT when I'm not doing that, I make the effort! I talk to people. I introduce myself & they introduce themselves to me. We exchange numbers. We talk. We're friendly. All that jazz. & I know I come off as shy & awkward but I don't think people actually clock me as disabled, per se. It just never lasts. Everyone I've met thus far, I've fallen out of contact with no matter the level of effort I put into maintaining friendship. Like, I know it's me who's the problem, but I don't? Understand? What specifically I'm doing? I mean, it's one thing if it doesn't work out in a short period of time, but when we've been talking & getting along great for months & then suddenly the other person vanishes & we never speak again, what more can a bitch do.

More: I am not getting enough sleep, I don't have control over the heating in my apartment & it's become so hot that I feel like I'm suffocating, I re-watched the latest season of stranger things & felt as if I'd been punched in the face when I found myself relating to Henry Creel (minus all the murder), I am desperately bored, & all I want is to marry a billionare & forget my old self (which is, hopefully ONLY for now, my current self) & buy a cute cozy little house & decorate it like a beautifully cluttered Russian home & chill for the rest of my life. This is not the worst of anything by any means but I was really, truly excited to improve this semester. The drive is still there, believe me, & I'm putting in effort wherever possible, but I don't expect I'll be seeing much progress for a while. For now I'm taking small steps. Real tiny ones. Going to bed earlier & putting myself out there & trying-ish to stop the less pleasant stimming & picking up one nice, chill, de-stressing hobby to keep me from overthinking too much. It's helping & I guess qualifies me as staying on that disability-adversity-overcoming grind so we'll say it's sufficient for now.

On Kim's Convenience

8 June 2021

So, yesterday Sonia Rao of the Washington Post published an article about the Canadian sitcom Kim's Convenience. I saw this on the news section of Twitter just today, and as a fan of the show I was naturally curious about what was going on. I mean, to be honest, I'm not surprised because I'm just one of those people who sees a thing being done really well and being really good and successful and praised for being accurate with representation and thinks 'Hm. This IS the entertainment industry, shit is always going wrong there, this might be too good to be true...'. Anddddd on 2 June, one of the lead actors (Simu Liu) actually made a lengthy, detailed post on facebook about pretty much every issue he had with his experience on the show. That last littl note at the end, "otherwise, check us out on Netflix!", is so funny yet sad to me. I mean, if someone beats the shit out of you and takes everything from your wallet all the while yelling cruel, terrifying threats at you and then says "I love your shirt, btw!" before they run away, it doesn't exactly detract from everything else they just did, right? LOL.

Now, if what Simu Liu said about Ins Choi is true, then I'm very disappointed. Yeah, the man has every right to leave the show if he feels like it, whatever. I'm only slightly bothered by it becaue Ins Choi wrote the original play that Kim's Convenience is based on and it's like, damn he abandoned something of his own creation :/. But whatever. My main pet peeves about this show are very different given that I'm just a viewer and that's what I also want to talk about. And, listen, I'm not an expert on any culture, not even my own. I know that many Korean and Chinese people are not bothered by this, many don't give a fuck at all, and just as many would agree with me. I just have my own shit to say and I'm not against other opinions.

Now, the first real issue I found that I had with Kim's Convenience was the man himself, Simu Liu. I know, I know, everyone else who plays a Korean character on this show IS Korean, maybe we can let this slide because no one seems to be saying shit about it and he seems to get on great with the cast and he IS East Asian, but, but... Simu Liu is Chinese. I kind of assumed he was Korean-Chinese when I learned what his name was and connected the dots of "Chinese name, presumably Chinese or part-Chinese actor, Korean character", but he's said himself on Twitter that "everyone is Korean except him", so... I think he did a great job playing Jung, and I'm sure that Korean and Chinese culture are similar in many ways. In just as many was as they're drastically different, in fact. To me, this comes off as very, like, "all Asians are the same and we don't care to differentiate" vibes. It really seems like people aren't bothered by this and even to me it feels nitpicky in a way. But It's a little sketchy to me, even if having people play characters of a culture/race/ethnicity that they aren't part of is a common-ish thing. I mean, the Goldbergs has an Italian playing a Jew, and I don't like it but for some reason there just isn't any visible objection. IDK.

And the fact that they made Nayeon, Janet and Jung's cousin who's directly from Korea and seems to be her early 20s, the "weird, annoying foreigner"... They didn't really do this to anyone else, not even the Kim parents who are from Korea but have lived in Canada for probably over 20 years (based on their kids' ages and me making an assumption based on my own family's experience and all that, but it's not like it was ever mentioned afaik so maybe I'm wrong?). Why make the person who lives in Korea, and by default has closer and more direct experience with unfiltered, un-Candaianized Korean culture, the weird one? Why must the one from the characters' country of origin be weird and obnoxiously quirky and intentionally annoying? It just doesn't sit right with me because it feels very much like they're applying a weird "They're better and more likable because they're from Canada and don't act like those weird Koreans from Korea" filter to Nayeon's episodes. Not great, imo.

Based on all the things the cast have said thus far, it really is disturbing. Of course you don't need to only have Koreans working on a show about Korean families. It's not about making it an exclusive Korean-only TV Show club, but when you don't have ANYONE except the actors who can give insight on their own lives and experiences on a show that revolves around those very things, it is not great. Just as I wouldn't want an entire team of goyim writing a Chanukah scene full of blue-and-silver christmas wreaths and nonstop dreidel action, just as I wouldn't want non-Russkis putting the wrong type of rugs on the walls or cleverly placing the wrong Exact Black Spoon With Brown/Orange Leaf Patterns That Every One Of Us Has For Some Reason on the kitchen set's shelf, just as I wouldn't want non-Thais to sprinkle limp ramen with hot sauce and peanuts and call it authentic cuisine, I don't condone non-Koreans writing an entire culture when they just don't get it. Even if it wasn't for the entire show. It's a culture solidarity thing. No one should have let this happen.