Having pulsated to its heart's content, it tore itself into pieces

二零二五年。六月。六号。6 June 2025.

"…blaming is still ailing, of course, of course,—but nonetheless, what was it with these Jewish parents, what, that they were able to make us little Jewish [kids] believe ourselves to be princes on the one hand, unique as unicorns on the one hand, geniuses and brilliant like nobody has ever been brilliant and beautiful before in the history of childhood—saviors and sheer perfection on the one hand, and such bumbling, incompetent, thoughtless, helpless, selfish, evil little shits, little ingrates on the other!" - Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

Today's title brought to you by Komsomolsk. Напульсировав всласть, на куски рвалась. Суперфлоу власть, почему такая мразь!!

Also I graduated from university :з So glad that chapter has ended… I'm grateful for the friends I made but the experience itself wasn't it. I am most bothered by my social life because my university friends don't live nearby so we can only "hang out" via video games, texting, & phone, not in person. Meanwhile, the only people from my hometown who hit me up are those with serious issues. The drug addicts, the antisocial people who text all day but refuse to hang out in person, the people who only remember my existence when they're manic, all that. Perhaps I've grown old, but doing acid in the grocery store parking lot is no longer my idea of fun. I'm an old-school opium head myself (JK… as far as you know…). Having no meaningful connections sucks but I am more focused on the money. Who needs friends when you've got CASHHHHHH!!

The good news: Imma published writer 😎! Submitted some works to some places & many accepted. Described it as "beautiful." Wow. Call me talented and gifted. I'm hardcore addicted to writing now that I have no other stressors, in fact - being that I've always been a creative person overflowing with ideas, with the perfect words to use in all situations, but inept at putting those ideas to paper because my retardation brought me down so hard, this is a wonderful change. A fucking welcome one.

Largely I'm still a broke mf with nothing to write home about, but I'm doing what I can. I got my family interested in this one Norwegian bread that they're now addicted to like it's crack, I'm in the process of starting a "side hustle" soon (let's just say that accidentally ending up in the clutches of a shady, highly enthusiastic, not-very-stable doctor has its upsides), & if I can gain independence I'll be having kids soon.

Adopted kids though. TBH I've accepted that I'll probably never be able to maintain a relationship - I am annoyed by most men, & based on experience, AKA my entire life from conception to now, I seem unable to feel sexual or romantic attraction for some reason? I have lived in denial of this for so long, even at my most liberal gender-y when I was all about enby & ace pride, but at this point Imma just let go & accept that this disability has stunted me in more ways than I believed. (VENT INCOMING SKIP A FEW SENTENCES IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS PART) My entire understanding of social, sexual, & romantic relationships is that of a child's & I genuinely have no interest, longing, or desire for a relationship or reproduction. Sounds sociopathic, but there's nothing I can do about it; I know that forcing myself into a relationship would only bring misery to everyone involved. Guys want someone they can actually talk to, spend time with, have physical contact with, etc. & my weird ass cannot provide no matter how much effort I put in. All this to say, I hope I can adopt kids & get this over with. I am looking to live as normal of a life as possible, including the "having kids" part, & (this is what people don't understand about my no-biological-children rule) I do not want to have kids who inherit my disability. It's not nice to say, but being disabled myself, I can verify that people at this level of struggle are difficult, expensive, & mostly unpleasant to raise, & in many cases parents enact abusive behaviour on the disabled kid without realising it, making things much worse.

That's the plan. Best part of life so far, though, is that Black Butler manga has returned from a long-ass hiatus. When no one got my back, Yana Toboso got my back.

YOU COULD CALL ME HP PRINTING PAPER BY THE MINUTE

二零二四年。十一月。十二号. 12 November 2024.

Hello my brothers. I've accidentally [insert iconic film character who did something similar's name] my way into making my professor love meeeee. Just so you know: I don't love school. I'm a hedonistic mf who only wants to do the things I enjoy. BUT my type of lazy is not the 'I'll put off all the work until the last minute' variety - it's the 'I'll do everything ASAP so I don't have to worry about it later' type.

Soooooo In one of my courses, we have a bunch of assignments on this educational website. We're meant to do one of them every week; Brother, you know I did 'em all in Week 1. Despite all that, though, I've barely been scraping by in that class, getting passable but shitty grades. So the other day I get yet another unsatisfactory grade on an exam, realise I don't have much time left to fix my grade, & call up my prof. Dude checks my profile to see if I'm actually trying in class or if I'm one of those asshole students who does nothing and then complains about having bad grades. He sees that I've done allll those assignments months in advance. Shock in his voice. I'm all "haha yeah, I did them all ahead of time so I could make the questions into flash cards XD". He asks about my progress on our Major Semester-Long project. Me? I finished that thing a month ago. He asks about the group presentation. "Yep, we've all created our sections and we're presenting next week!" Understanding dawns on him; I'm a hardworking, down-to-earth kid doing my best with what I've got - a bonafide American if he's ever seen one. I'm just trying my hardest. I ain't afraid to ask for help. He has mercy on me; goes into my profile and changes some settings so I can retake our latest exam as many times as I want to.

Moral of the story being if you want your teachers to like you, speedrun all your assignments in week 1. Fuck it. We ball.

On tha medication front: Something clicked after taking it for a while & now I mostly don't need it. I can keep conversations going, say more-or-less normal things, & be 'myself' without overdoing it. Still no social life but I've found that I don't really want one around here. I have my roommates & I'm satisfied with that. Most other students are unpleasant, awkward, & so hard to like. They're mostly upper-middle-class, borderline wealthy locals in one of the most expensive cities in the country & BRO they're insufferable!!!! This whole time I though the 'stuck-up overindulgent rich kid' was a mere stereotype. NOPE. Everyone here dresses & acts the sameeeee. They got those oversized sweatshirt + flannel pajama pants + Ugg house slippers (because Americans) + Marc Jacobs tote bag fits; messy buns for women, fluffy tops with side fades for men (alas, the perm has gone out of style). They skip nearly every class & bitch about their awful grades. They watch tiktoks with the volume blaring in the library. Won't do the work in group assignments and call you crazy for being annoyed by it. They feel entitled to good grades, to internships, to high-paying jobs. I for real can't stand this environment. Even the poor people pick up those behaviours and end up being just as annoying.

That's all I got for now. See you around shawties :з

I Love To Compete. I Love A Challenge. I'm A Champion.

二零二四年一月三号 3 January 2024

"If you met my family, you'd prescribe xanax for all of them, but then what? We'd be boring." - Eddie Huang, Fresh off the Boat

I'm partway through yet another semester. Still not really going anywhere or doing much of anything, but it hasn't been too bad, mainly due to a new development in my life that I'm excited about: I've started medication!!!!! :D What a product. This is definitely some bubble-gum flavored awesomeness. While it doesn't sound like something worth celebrating to the average person, I'm overjoyed beyond my wildest dreams. Obviously I won't become a 'normal' person overnight but it reduces a lot of the disability symptoms that negatively interfere with my life. Part of me is bothered by this - the fact that I need medication to do simple things when most people can handle it with scarcely a protest - & part of me is bitter that it took this long to find a solution & part of me is mellowed out enough to just be happy that I've finally been helped. I feel like Drake. Look, the new me is really still the real me / I swear you gotta feel me before they try and kill me / They gotta make some choices, they runnin' out of options / 'Cause I've been going off and they don't know when it's stopping.

I guess that plays into a large part of what I want in 2024. The only thing I can reasonably imagine working towards is developing an actual life & becoming a functioning member of society. It's depressing but every conversation I've had with people my age lately has filled me with a sense of uninhibitable dread. They're where they should be in life: educated, driving, hitting the gym, spending time with friends, partying, dating, all that. I sit around at home occupying myself with menial tasks, waiting for another day that looks exactly like the others to pass. I don't have friends. I can't handle the only jobs that will currently hire me. I'm surrounded by people who want me to be normal but remain unsympathetic to all the reasons I can't be. This disability thing is weird because despite getting better at managing certain things, it's mostly gotten worse over time. Sensory issues have appeared that never bothered me before & even the ones I've always had were never as bad as they are now. A family member made plans to go out somewhere that they know I like & my first instinct was to worry over how loud it would be. It sounds dramatically emo but being disabled has genuinely made me a bitter, miserable person :/ If selling out to big pharma is the solution, count me innnnn.

Otherwise I'm just living life. Not really ready to go back to campus. I considered transferring somewhere else in my final year but their units system is so whack that I'd have to retake half my classes. I know some people at other schools who are taking everything online but my campus doesn't offer that & very few classes are all virtual………. NOT fair!!!! Back home is interesting though. The wind is so strong that I can hear it whistling at every window like a ghost in a scary halloween kids' book (I'm reminded of The Green Ribbon). In relation to the medication, again: even sitting around doing nothing is fantastic now that I'm high (NOT ACTUALLY) & happy. I open windows for natural daylight rather than turning on the lights. I'm anxious about how well things will play out when I'm on campus again given that I'm barred from doing what I want by circumstances that aren't all on me, but it's fineeee. I can survive a few more months when I have something to keep my mind from wandering into oblivion.